Are you a Golf Club Wanker?

Golf Club Wankers. They’re everywhere. The traits of GCW a vast and varied. So much so in fact, you could be one and not even know about it. Let’s find out…

On the course

GCW’s have some shared traits they display while actually playing golf:

  • When practicing on the course the GCW will always play at least 5 balls, even when they are holding up play.
  • GCW’s don’t take gimmies. Even from 6 inches they mark their ball. Tap it in FFS
  • After finishing a hole the GCW sticks around the green to mark their card while you are waiting to hit your approach.
  • They always leave their clubs on the opposite side of the green to where the next hole is.
  • GCW’s never lose a ball. Even when they’re deep in the cabbage they miraculously find their ball (they’ll spend all day searching too).
  • One practice swing is never enough. 2 is the minimum for the GCW. Plus a few waggles to really irritate their playing group.
  • You know those shit golf jokes and quips that are repeated over and over? “Never up never in”. “Stood on your shirt did ya?”. Calling 1 when your ball falls off the tee. Yeah, only GCW’s keep these alive.
  • The GCW lives to give you tips and advice on your swing even though they are almost always shit at golf.
  • When playing in a group of 4 they often walk off with their clubs before the last player has hit.
Golf Club Wanker

Photo by Ian MacNicol/Getty Images

Off the course

GCW’s are opinionated creatures and like to get their noses into all aspects of club life…

  • They often hold low-level positions in the clubs administration. The Club Secretary is almost always a GCW.
  • Juniors are a menace to the game for the GCW. Only upper-middle class old people should be allowed at the club.
  • Your risking your safety if you accidentally forget to take your cap off before entering the clubhouse. Every damn GCW in the joint will be all over you in seconds.
  • They’re a busy bunch too. GCW’s always have an excuse to leave before buying their round of drinks.
  • They always have a complaint about the condition of the course. The greens are never good enough and they always comment on pin positions. “The greens keeper must have got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning”. Good one…

Ian Poulter Wanker

Equipment and attire

GCW’s can be spotted from miles away. Not only do the carry themselves in a certain way they also often wear similar attire and use similar equipment.

  • They have a penchant for luxury non-golf brands like Lacoste and Ralph Lauren.
  • Shorts with pulled up socks are an instant giveaway.
  • GCW’s like sunglasses but not for eye protection. They wear theirs on the back of their head.
  • Ian Poulter is a fashion icon for the GCW.
  • Irons are gonna get scratched. GCW’s don’t accept this fact and cover them with iron covers.
  • GCW’s are tight and hate to lose a ball. Carrying a ball scoop helps alleviate any losses. Get on with it!
  • A GCW favourite is the chipping putter. Use your wedge FFS
  • Sure, long irons are difficult to hit but that is no excuse for carrying anything higher than a 5 wood (ladies excepted).

We’re not necessarily saying if one of these indicators struck a chord with you that you are definitly a Golf Club Wanker. If you hit two or more though…

Did we miss anything? Let us know other GCW traits in the comments!

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